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I am reminded every single day that I’m not a perfect man. I will not be a perfect man… But I can promise you this. But I will always tell you what I think and where I stand. I will always be honest about the challenges we stand. I will listen to you when we disagree. But mostly importantly, I will ask you to be involved in the things that I do.

Three countries in the space of two months have made me felt like a totally different person. The things that I saw, the people that I met, the fellowship that I had, the testimonies that I heard, the pain from the lives of the people that I interacted with, all left an indelible mark on me. I feel like I’m not catching up with the most faithful in my pursuit of God, yet sometimes torn over the fact that some of my friends are gradually left behind, either because we start to place different priorities and I threw my lot with Jesus.

A skit that touched me quite a bit, on top of Goodwill Hunting. But there is enough content now for many many posts ahead.

This journal is back.

Beyond Racial politics and an epoch of change.

It felt so good that Obama won the presidential election. The consistency of his message, the stunning audacity of his ideas on a more perfect union, and an even more improbable belief and courage that the time for change has come, who made history because of his race and in spite of it. I can imagine strangers of different colours and nationalities celebrating this moment all over the world. It feels really good to be at the crossroads of such a memorable and significant of my adult life and political scientist.

Rosa Parks sat in 1955. Martin Luther King walked in 1963. Barack Obama ran in 2008. That our children might fly. God bless the world through America.

Yes We Can!

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Nostalgia. Osmonds & 3rd Guards.

I love the way they sing ‘Love me for a Reason” and dance with so much lucidity, harmony and gentleness.

And 50years down the road, the Osmond brothers, with the same song, show us how can we grow old gracefully. Ah. : )

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Am going to take my IPPT soon and some of my old buddies are going for their reservist right after the exams are over. Almost a year and half since passing out. The army times have been solid times. Yeah. 3Guards Woo Haa!

The Guardsman Creed. Ready to Strike.

Passing out parade.

Learning how to do building, cliff and helicopter rappelling at Bedok Camp.

 

Getting our Guardsman badges at Sembawang airbase on a Super Puma. One of the most fun experiences of my life. : )

Some of the peeps who went to the gas chamber to be gassed.  

Sketches of December.

 

I feel that I have neglected some of my friends more than others in this December break as I seek to balance the time I spend on old friendships with the time that I need to spend on the new and yet flourishing ones while balancing my time for social work, travel and outreach.

It is my fault that I haven’t been updating as regularly and substantially as I would like to. Been ‘facebooking’ a little bit more than I would like, but I would like to continue and share with those who doesn’t use fb, those who are busy with their lives, and of course my pals overseas. And writing continues to be a form of communication that is particularly endearing to me.

There has been many events in my life recently, and I didn’t do my best nor it is possible to document them all. So here is a recap of the things that I’ve done in December, in no particular order.

Reason and Persuasion.

What goes beyond reason does not go against reason. This is a point that I made on my philo tutorial blog which I’m supposed to elaborate on. For those people whom I have asked for their opinion on this statement, you may like to read on to see how I reply to this. : ) Below is the original comment and the elaboration comment. Happy Reading!

An Emo Night.

I didn’t know what got over me today. I had such a craving for 宫宝 frog porridge that I took the car and drove over at 1am in the morning and ate there by myself. Before that, I took a roundabout to my buddy’s house, where it stood dark and empty, even though I knew they moved out a week ago. But it is just that me and my buddy spent quite a lot of good times over there, and I missed him quite a bit.

Eating alone felt so surreal. I enjoyed the food, but on my previous visit, I sat there too alone, imagining my two buddies beside me. When I was sharing with Phoebe last Friday at the Arts Canteen over the best soups, I thought of asking WC out to eat at the famous Salted Duck soup in AMK, only to realise a spilt second later the mistake that I made.

Kao wrote me a long email on how he is adapting over at Oxford. We had to adapt our philosophical discussions and musings about our personal life into words and sans the wonderful range of verbal and nuance facial and body expressions that we share. It is nothing that the lucidity of our pens can compensate for.

Kwang Yew, Erjie and Zihao too. I think it is a bit hard to adjust when so many great pals of mine all leave at the same time. Everytime I read a comment or an email sent by them, the words will automatically enunciate in their own individual manner inside my head. 

That said, I made quite a few good friends from school so far. Thang, Khoa and Trung, my Vietnamese neighbours, course mates and of course the VCFers, who appeared everywhere last Thursday night when I was alone to keep me company all the way till the bus reached my home.

At there are also the some great pals who remained. Like the guys in my JC class (though they keep me worrying), the remainders of the Angkor What! gang, Adeline, just to name a few. Not to mention YQ and WR in church, even though we are all busy with our lives.

But these times are good moments for reflections and consolidations. And to learn to trust in the Lord even more, for we never could learn to trust enough. To be freed of our obligations so that we can view ourselves with new perspectives and learn how to improve myself and start clearing all the jobs that the Lord has tasked me to accomplish.

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Mom is overseas again, so I planned to have a good dinner with Dad. Mom and Jie always have good teas and dinners by themselves, so I thought there is no reason why Dad and I cannot do the same. We went to Sapporo Miharu Ramen restaurant at Gallery Hotel near Boat Quay that area. We both had superb Miso Ramen with tangy noodles and steaming hot fragrant soup with the works. Dad loves his sauces and the corn! He loves them juicy and chewy.

 

After dinner, I suggested we take a little walk. We had a discussion on the Singapore skyline, and Dad was sharing with me his experiences in the States where he saw the Chicago skyline. It was the place where many many architects got their inspirations from.

It was nice to see such nice artwork adorning one of our bridges. Dad said this picture of him is very nice. : ) taken with my 1 month old W580i. : ) After the walk, we drove to Borders where I bought the biography “On the Road to Kandahar” by Jason Burke. I always wanted an insight into the Islamic world, and this book is a good start. Got a 30% coupon, used my 10% off entitlement from my Borders card, and utilised the rest of the money from the gift card given to me by Huiqing laoshi and Su Ai for my 21st. In the end, I paid $14 for a $45 dollars book. And Dad kindly foot the bill too. It was a nice evening spent with Dad.

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A picture of Mom taken two weeks ago when we were celebrating her birthday. I love her look here. : ) She has been such a dear this week to me. She’ll be visiting Jie in Japan in November and they will travel in the country! Ah.. It is just before the start of my exams… Sigh. But I think my Mom deserves the break. : )

Yubao Laoshi finally left us for another church after 2 years in AGPC. Missing her presence quite a bit. She 栽培 me and gave me a lot of freedom to make my own decisions so I can grow. Not seeing her conduct the choir, and also not being her translator when she preaches will take some getting use to.

Godsis! The light of my life. When I see her enjoying the sport that I used to love, and being vice-captain too, gives me immense pride at her growth. Though she gets me a bit nostalgic at times when I looked back at my playing days with the oval shaped ball.

Watching the final between South Africa and England now. One hell of a passionate game with an electrifying crowd. The English is leading a nation’s hopes on by giving them something to cheer about after their recent sporting failures, while the Springboks team had helped reunited a country that used to be divided by apartheid. The team’s best winger Bryan Habana is a black, who also happens to be the top try scorer for South Africa and in this tournament so far. With the black South African president Thabo Mbeki watching in the stands.

Love, passion, courage, spirit, brotherhood, intelligence, teamwork, skills, creativity, speed, sportsmanship, strength, blood, tears, nerves, all full blooded. Every single thing that I love about life is in this game.

The people that I mentioned above and some more, are reminders of why am I relentless in my drive to become a better man, a man who is after God’s heart.

Humour Relief.

New school semester:

At the first week:

At the second week:

Before the mid-term test:

During the mid-term test:

After the mid-term test:

Before the final exam:

Once know the final exam schedule:

7 days before final exam:

6 days before final exam:

5 days before final exam:

4 days before final exam:

3 days before final exam:

2 days before final exam:

1 day before final exam:

A night before final exam:

1 hour before final exam:

During the final exam:

Once walk out from the exam hall:

After the final exam, during the holiday:

What do you do when you are not sure?

When I look at the previous post, it brought me back to the concept of ‘Doubt’. The struggle for a shared certainty, an assumption of safety, and a potentially double-edged sword found in the reassurance of believing that others know better than me what’s for the best.

There is the story of this sailor who experienced a terrible shipwreck at sea. He climbed upon a raft and set his course based on the stars since he has learnt to navigate from the stars.

Yet for the next 28 days, the clouds cover the sky every night and he is uncertain whether he remains on course or whether he is doomed.

The question is had the sailor set his course right? The message of the constellations – had he imagined it because of his desperate circumstances? Or he had seen the truth once, and now had to hold on to it without further reassurance?

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A. and I had a debate over the topic of pursuing secular success, and on the topic of ‘in-breeding’ – that is for example, ‘lawyers marrying lawyers’ and ‘doctors marrying doctors’, or in any case, the male has to be in a ‘functionally superior’ role as compared to his spouse. It started from her interview stint at MAS, and how she had to behave the way she was expected to (which means answering earnestly to monetary policies like those on annuities and CPF etc…) over a dinner like environment in order to make it to the latter stages of the highly competitive interview.

This was also the reason why even though J, SX and I are supposed to meet at her house at 9 to celebrate J’s birthday, she ended up only connectable at late 10 plus – the reason being the MAS interview ended late, and she was afraid to appear rude by whipping out her hand-phone.

Knowing that it wasn’t intentional because I know her character well enough, wasn’t that angry with her at all (partly due to SX humouring me with his smses). But in any case, although the interview was perhaps very important, I silently reflected; would I response in the same way as her, to think that it is too hard excuse herself and send a quick sms to inform the 3 friends that she had a date with due to the circumstances. Which perhaps brought to us back to the general idea of sacrificing for secular success.

She believed that sacrifices must be made in the pursue of secular success. And some parts of the quest for spiritual success must give (functional vs passion). I argued that we should place our faith in God’s guidance, that He would provide if someone choose counseling over medicine, nursing over a financial degree, in order to fulfil his purpose.

I’ve seen enough in my life to want to do something that is against my interest or passion. Debates like this do sometimes make me feel inadequate that I did not go and pursue a prestigious or functional degree like law or accountancy, and make me feel ’slightly irresponsible’ in not choosing the best degree for the best job to provide the best things for my family next time despite my academic lineage.

It also makes me feel that God will not provide. Speaking as the male who is expected to be a bread-winner or at least be earning highly than the other spouse, it gives you pressure and pushes you to want to give in to the secular side of things.

I wonder how these people who follow the ‘functional route’ view their fellow friends and workers who decided to work in ‘functionally less viable’ jobs like pastors, theatre practitoners, cleaners, construction workers, architects etc according to sociologists.

To be fair, I have a clear interest in political science, which is at least ‘50% functional’ as a friend remarked to me. And there are times in the past where I lamented why God cannot give me a clear talent in the sciences so that I can become a doctor or a lucid mind with an equally graceful hand so that I know I have no other paths but to become a lawyer, which is conveniently functionally at the top of the occupations’ ladder.

But thank God for the career opportunities available with an honours degree in political science. Yet whether I go on to become an FSO (Foreign Service Officer) with generous pay perks or as an officer with some NGOs in a third-world country, I go in faith that is the perfect plan of the Lord for me to serve his people, and He will ‘provide’ in the entirety of the word, more than what any riches can assuage my feelings of a life un-lived.   

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“I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith” – 2 Timothy 4:7

Being beaten fair and square is one thing, but knowing you could have, and should have done more is difficult to live with. Regret is such a frustrating emotion; because the one thing is you cannot go back and change the course of events.

Keep the real treasures at where your heart is, where thieves and moths cannot get at them.

lovingly lovably love.

God blessed my entire journey today by putting fellow christian/non-christian friends to guide me around in school and outside today. I could have feel lost, but I didn’t. Thank God for his guidance.

Reading my bud’s entry gave me a sense of enlightenment albeit from an irony. On that very same Sunday, I was thinking how blessed that my buddy seems to be so complete and loved by the people around in church, more than I felt I’ve ever achieved in my first year. In fact, now and then, I still get scolding from teachers for some of the mistakes I’ve made due to bad management of time and planning, like the planned rehearsal last Sunday, though when I looked back overall at the past month, I am pleased with the improvements in my time management and study habits. 

Then again, I knew that’s something not totally right with my bud. Yet at the same time, I realised that there are times when I knew what was wrong, I could not convince anybody until my bud admits it himself. That’s because he is loved as a leader, and people wait for him to speak.

I think my buddy is blessed with information. He knows a lot of things that I don’t, and he constantly updates himself on the lives of other people. In fact, he reminds me of my old self a few years back. But I realised it is unrealistic to keep it up, and there are people who grow up to replace us and the energy that we bring. Though I’m pretty mellowed now (of no small part to NS and a testing 2007 so far) as compared to then, there are still people that I keep close to my heart, that I know true love sustains my passion and stretches my ability to care.

Speaking from a third person point of view, I slowly witnessed how much my buddy has changed lives, not only mine, but others too. And to battle the same feelings that I had of not being loved until I received ‘visible’ and ‘tangible’ reciprocation of love. To top it off, the things that we pull off top the last one each time. But the eventually realisation of the fact that the El Shaddai is the one who sustains me, who makes every SINGLE of my actions and thoughts count, that some time, some day, at an ordinary moment of somebody that God decided to make special, and give the person some epiphany. I would be glad that God has used every single part of me, my words and actions, to touch somebody else, to give my actions meaning by letting their purpose and effects transcends time.

Knowing that is more than I need already. And don’t worry, I’m glad I heard your ranting. : ) There are many many things that you can do with others but only those few you can do with me bud. *grinz. Don’t take things too literal and too hard. Ignorance is equally as bad as the lack of innocence. It is unfair to demand that we go back to the extreme of being innocent like a child, but rather, pray for the ability to discern, manage and protect the loved ones around us. And be glad that we are still able to think and talk this way despite the pressure of the world around us.

Be the number one for the people you loved. Remember that!