when grown men cry.

Against my better sense of judgement, I watched the death-match rugby game between Wales and Fiji that determined that quarter-finalists for the rugby world cup instead of studying. And I was not disappointed by the sheer exhilarating display of guts, passion, skill and sportsmanship that decided the game only at the very last minute with a Fijian try that brought the game to 34-38. The game deserves to go down in history rightfully as this world cup’s classic.

The Fijians huddled together after their victory, with the Wales flyhalf Stephen Jones tapping their shoulders in respect, and seeing a 100th Test veteran in Gareth Thomas shedding tears, after putting himself on the line as the last line of defence as fullback, is perhaps a bit heart-wretching to watch. Having been on the rugby field before and putting my own body literally in the line of fire as a scrum-half, I could clearly grasp the tone of his emotions, even if not the magnitude.

Sometimes, it doesn’t make sense for people to see men cry. That’s what happened after a game of enervating game of rugby when you acted as manly as possible in a gentlemen’s game, where you show yourself to be as much a fighter as the ancient warriors of lore, and the only thing that separates you and the rest is the scoreline.

That is nothing wrong with grown men crying after you give yourself up like that.

The game that keeps my heart beating. And now, perhaps, it is time to put that attitude back into the writing of my papers, even though it is hard. But I want to give it a good fight. And let the good fight be the inspiration for the rest of the good stuff that are to come.

Sometimes, I wish for a cause or a person to fight for. Loving God and fulfilling his wish is by far the closest I’ve ever gotten to this feelings. But in my relationship with God, I have the feeling that I have not fully discovered the idea of a ‘masculine heart’, a special plan for the boys, in the image that He created us with. One that is supposed to be filled with total passion, adventure, beauty instead of Christian boredom.

As usual, I have the sneaky feeling that the answers lies in oneself. Look into your own heart to discover the ‘wild heart’ that God has made innate in all of us. I will try.

Someday when we are wiser.

Some thing in the sms that Grace sent to me about ‘death’ reminded me of this movie.  I always remember the last line of the Stafford poem that says:

‘In my life, I will more than live’. Makes it more bearable to accept things that are beyond control.

Hallelujah Square.

I’m half-way through conquering ‘Meno’ by Socrates. The subject that I thought I would enjoy most is killing me softly. Haha! When I told some of my friends that philosophy is the subject that is making me the most perplexed, they looked at me in disbelief and remarked that it should be my best subject.

I wrote an email to my buddy and dropped an sms to Wei Chao two days ago. I hope they received it. The study break has been mapping out quite well, though am sweating over my philosophy essay. Wrote a postcard in-between my Tieng Viet revision to our friends in Hanoi. This reminds me that I owe Miwa a postcard/letter soon! Will take time out this week to write something long for her, since I owe her a reply for nearly 2 months. Missing Sapporo and Hakodate. Reminiscing over them with Wei Chao and also Adeline (over the onsen experiences) haven’t really been good for my health when I cannot go back in the near future.

I caught up with Zi Jian over supper at Ken’s after my Japanese Class. Promised to treat him before he leaves for Oxford to major in PPE (Politics, Philosophy and Economics). We talked about the ideas of love, its origins, and the evolvement of his fashion sense. : ) He remarked that love, like any other virtues is a concept that was nurtured over time, the implication being that love doesn’t exist in the world in the first place. He suggested that one has to will oneself to love. It is a made choice – you could be loving anyone.

As for me, I cannot fathom a humanity without love as its foundation, and not as quality that was derived as a human will. I argued that ‘the will’ has its own source, which is sustained by an innate passion for something, which ultimately translate into the qualities of love – the will is driven by love and not the other way.

My God is the universe where I derive my sense of belonging and the passion to love, which is hard to translate to my great pal who does not call Jesus his own. Haha! I hope he will met his intellectual equal over at Oxford, and we can have many good conversations again.

Over MSN, Grace told me that she gets very emotional when sending friends off, and ask me if that’s the case for me. At firsthand, I told her that my greatest worry is my philosophy essay. Which is essentially true, but does not explain the fact that I do miss my best pals (Wei Chao, Disong, Zi Jian), though not in a way that I’ve expected.

I’m surviving well with new friends that I’ve made in university, and also through old friends with friendships that I’ve maintained. I thank God for giving me the gift of friendships. Jie told me that I will meet some of my best pals for the future even at university, a period that is well beyond the formative teenage or junior college years. Well. Am trying very hard to put that to test and make it work.

My Vietnamese mates invited me to dinner on Thursday. Would be staying-in from Wednesday to Friday. Hopefully I finish up some more readings and get the skeleton of my philosophy essay out soon.

I think it helps when I keep the focus on myself and excel the training that God is putting me through. It makes parting more bearable. : ) See you at Hallelujah Square!

the teenage textbook movie & the Singapore identity.

I was watching ‘福满人间’, one of those old TCS reruns at my grandma’s house in the afternoon today, when it dawned on me the high quality of the past productions in terms of acting and storyline as compared to the serials now. My aunt said that it may be due to tighter filming schedules; last time, a serial can take at least 2 to 3 months to film, but directors now have the responsibility to churn out at least 2 to 3 serials in the same period of time.

Dug out an old soundtrack of an old Singapore movie last time. The songs are pretty emo, and brought back memories of the late primary school to early secondary school days. ‘Falling in Love’ and ‘When things seems so wrong’ by John Klass gives a throwback to the days of messy, complex yet entirely fun and not regrettable growing up days. There are other soundtracks by ‘Elmo’, ‘Fairweather friends’,  ’Sugarflies’, and ‘The Bachelor Pad’ as well.

I went shopping and bought myself a phone to replace my old one, a new pair of jeans, a DVD from HMV, and two birthday presents. I’m not the one who usually go for retail therapy (other than buying books of course).

Went to Adeline’s 21st surprise party that her family planned for her and her close friends. It was a week earlier than expected. Am glad she enjoyed her surprise! And I made a new friend at the party, whom we share two good common friends in Adeline and Gabriel. It was fun sharing our own personal experiences (secrets) with these two pals.

And Gab, if you are reading this, I recollected the ‘plaster story’ again as the origins of our friendship. : ) Pls be FREE to meet me this week!

Anyway, the PM Lee talk @ NUS made me mulled over the issue on Singapore identity. Here are some of the ’people portraits’ (I wished I caught those moments on camera) that caught my eye when I made my way from town to Adeline’s house:

1) A bespectacled young kid of about 8 years old buying assessment books for herself at Popular.

2) A bespectacled primary school boy clutching the new Bloomsbury version of the Harry Potter book that his mother bought for him tightly to his chest like precious gold and silver.

3) Among all the youngster totting their shiny iPod Nano or PSP, there is an auntie sitting in a corner of the train playing brick game on Game-boy-Colour.

4) A Caucasian man and his Indonesian/Filipino wife with their baby girl on the NEL. The baby girl was trying to reach those handlebars by making her pram as a stepping stone. The father proceeded to swing the girl on the handlebars while everybody else in the carriage watched in bemusement. The way the Caucasian father was so hands-on with his kid

5) A guy wearing a Liverpool jersey reading the Newpaper on the train in the same carriage.

6) An elderly couple standing at different positions in the train instead of with each other.

*let the clouds get in your eyes – Elmo. Alright! Let there be a great week ahead for all of us.

Recess Week.

The recess week is here! And I pray that I’ll be able to make full use of this time by prioritising the things that I need to do, readings included.

Thank God for bringing me through today. Even though I still did not understand my philosophy lectures because Professor John Holbo spoke very fast as usual, and philosophical concepts are not as easy to grasp as they play with language and the state of the mind at the same time to the extent that it is hard to distinguish which philosophical flaws and I looking at. I have a philosophy essay which is worth a hefty percentage of my final grade that is due on 1st October, which means that I have a week to sort things out. With the power and grace of God.

Today’s PS tutorial turned up better than expected. Although it was very hard to get the group members organised, the very least I could do was to make sure I know my stuff. The Korean tutor looks a bit slack… The brain is an independent and sacred entity!

As for Tieng Viet, I’m glad I’m still in touch! But there is still a lot of vocabulary that I haven’t finish memorising yet. My Vietnamese neighbour in PGP invited me for a home cooked Vietnamese-dinner on Thursday. Perhaps I would take the chance to improve on my Vietnamese language, especially on pronunciation.

Met Hui Lynn while I was waiting for the shuttle bus at PGP. She was dressed very nicely and I asked her politely where she was heading. She replied that there was a function at UCC held for the committee members of the sports’ groups. The way she was dressed, I would have thought she would be attending an event that would be out of school.

My thoughts drifted to the idea on how many of the foreign students actually have a life, in the sense that on weekends, they venture out to explore the food culture of Singapore in depth. We are a multi-cultural nation, and the best of the experiences come when one goes out and experience the diversity of the nation through its people, food and festivals. I thought about the outreach that I can do, which includes reaching out to my neighbours in PGP which I believed I’ve done well so far to the extent that my neighbours always keep a look-out for me.

I went to the Prime Minister forum at Heng Mui Seng Auditorium in NUS with Abang and Sixiang in the evening. PM Lee spoke candidly on the ‘future of Singapore’. One of the comments that he made was that Singapore has an ‘ugly culture’. He lamented that Singaporeans are proud of what they have achieved so far (evident in their overseas travels when they frequently mention that Singapore have done better…). This led to a condescending attitude towards other nations which brought Singapore into a bad light.

Amidst all, we have to be proud yet humble about our achievements. I hope my generation of Singaporeans are going to change into this mindset.

I love to travel (who don’t know by now…) and I see for myself first-hand many of the developments, opportunities that are happening in other places. Opening up my eyes to the world have not diminish my sense of belonging as a Singaporean; but rather enhanced my national identity as a Singapore, proud of my diversity, perseverance and adaptability. It made me appreciate of the opportunities that I have in Singapore, granted that we have to work harder to take advantage of these that are available to us.

Throughout the talk and the question and answer session, PM Lee fielded the questions with deftness, frankness, moderation and diplomacy. He was frank that Singapore immediate neighours are going to view us forever as the ‘Little Red Dot’ – quoting ex Indonesia president Dr Habibie. Because that is indeed what we are, and we have to be at the top to be able to punch above our own weight.

The whole talk revolved on the issue of ‘Singapore Identity”. Perhaps in the near future, something significant would happen that would unite us as a nation, and give us a firm base to work on our identity. The identity isn’t about ‘icons’, it is about the meaning and the sense of belonging that we attached to this icons. And I believe that if they are swiftly eroded (like the old national library), perhaps one day we will look back at what we once had, and lament the loss of the icons that cut our attachments to the country that made us who we are today.

Hmm! On a side note, I’m even more interested in the modules on international relations and diplomacy now. : )

Language of our own that invites adventures.

In the last 3 days, I sent off 3 of my best pals who are furthering their studies overseas, at the same college.

This was the view of the carpark at T1 tonight. The chinese version of Au Lang Sye by Wang Lee Hom was funnily playing on 933FM at the same time. I don’t know why, but this pix sort of captured the nuances of my current mood. 

Am glad Zihao arrived safely in London. He told me about the on-going exhibition on ’sacred texts’ at the school library, where he saw a bit of the parchment belonging to the dead sea scrolls. I’ve already got the feeling that his academic experience is going to be a wonderful one.

Spoke to Di Song today. Glad that he reached safely too. I’m super glad that he went to London as a Christian. No farewell gift can be greater than that.

We had our last supper together on Monday, for a long time to come. We downed 7 cans of drinks and ate a hearty fill of spicy Bak Ku Teh till the wee hours of the morning, when the shop prepared to close. When we are together, the concept of time disappears. There is always the tendency to want to cling on to the moment, but we, as young adults, have come to accept that there are more adventures ahead for each of us, and though our paths differ, they will converge on the day when we each realise our shared dreams.

 Tonight was the sending of Wei Chao. I think at the end of the day, quite a bit has been taken from me. But it reminded me again that I have to do well here @ NUS. At the end of the day, none of us want to see each other left behind while the other progress.

 You need stern tests to be able to know whether you are enduring enough to stand the test of time. And these tests bring out the best in each of us, when we display the attributes of love, perseverance, courage, patience and faithfulness that we know we possess, but have to dig deep to bring them out.

Tomorrow is another day of lessons! Life continues to flow, and the day continues tomorrow, with or without you.

*you must be confident in yourself.

you find the trust of a child in me.

It has been a busy week of school and other significant events. With regard to school work so far, I’m pretty pleased with my work on sociology and tieng viet. However, I think more can be done especially for philosophy and political science, because they take more time and effort to comprehend. The JLPT3 prep course materials have arrived. Time to start memorising the vocabulary already.

I picked Jen up from Law school before we had dinner with Song. I think it is really really funny to find someone who don’t know “Bak Chor Me” is “Minced meat noodles”, considering that it is such a localised name of a local food. On the other hand, I’m impressed by the way she noticed and kept the necessary things in life. I mean who needs to know the chinese name  when the english one is enough for one to make the order.

Our birthday surprise for J.Hui failed terribly, because as guys, we have the tendency not to cover the most obvious details. *like not leaving our shoes outside the door. I clearly remembered what Song and I did last year too. I seldom remember the things that I did exactly a year before, but for J.Hui’s birthday, it was both special and meaningful. I really enjoy the time that all of us, including the mother spent together. (And yes, the mother is not only useful for the good food that she cooks).

Cooked my first meal at PGP and had it with Pam, a fellow VCFer. Making more friends in school really helps you to settle in fast.

Leave it there.

Leave it there – Charles A.Tindley

If the world from you withhold of its silver and its gold,
And you have to get along with meager fare,
Just remember, in His Word, how He feeds the little bird;
Take your burden to the Lord and leave it there.

Leave it there, leave it there,
Take your burden to the Lord and leave it there.
If you trust and never doubt, He will surely bring you out.
Take your burden to the Lord and leave it there.

If your body suffers pain and your health you can’t regain,
And your soul is almost sinking in despair,
Jesus knows the pain you feel, He can save and He can heal;
Take your burden to the Lord and leave it there.

When your enemies assail and your heart begins to fail,
Don’t forget that God in Heaven answers prayer;
He will make a way for you and will lead you safely through.
Take your burden to the Lord and leave it there.

When your youthful days are gone and old age is stealing on,
And your body bends beneath the weight of care;
He will never leave you then, He’ll go with you to the end.
Take your burden to the Lord and leave it there.

lovingly lovably love.

God blessed my entire journey today by putting fellow christian/non-christian friends to guide me around in school and outside today. I could have feel lost, but I didn’t. Thank God for his guidance.

Reading my bud’s entry gave me a sense of enlightenment albeit from an irony. On that very same Sunday, I was thinking how blessed that my buddy seems to be so complete and loved by the people around in church, more than I felt I’ve ever achieved in my first year. In fact, now and then, I still get scolding from teachers for some of the mistakes I’ve made due to bad management of time and planning, like the planned rehearsal last Sunday, though when I looked back overall at the past month, I am pleased with the improvements in my time management and study habits. 

Then again, I knew that’s something not totally right with my bud. Yet at the same time, I realised that there are times when I knew what was wrong, I could not convince anybody until my bud admits it himself. That’s because he is loved as a leader, and people wait for him to speak.

I think my buddy is blessed with information. He knows a lot of things that I don’t, and he constantly updates himself on the lives of other people. In fact, he reminds me of my old self a few years back. But I realised it is unrealistic to keep it up, and there are people who grow up to replace us and the energy that we bring. Though I’m pretty mellowed now (of no small part to NS and a testing 2007 so far) as compared to then, there are still people that I keep close to my heart, that I know true love sustains my passion and stretches my ability to care.

Speaking from a third person point of view, I slowly witnessed how much my buddy has changed lives, not only mine, but others too. And to battle the same feelings that I had of not being loved until I received ‘visible’ and ‘tangible’ reciprocation of love. To top it off, the things that we pull off top the last one each time. But the eventually realisation of the fact that the El Shaddai is the one who sustains me, who makes every SINGLE of my actions and thoughts count, that some time, some day, at an ordinary moment of somebody that God decided to make special, and give the person some epiphany. I would be glad that God has used every single part of me, my words and actions, to touch somebody else, to give my actions meaning by letting their purpose and effects transcends time.

Knowing that is more than I need already. And don’t worry, I’m glad I heard your ranting. : ) There are many many things that you can do with others but only those few you can do with me bud. *grinz. Don’t take things too literal and too hard. Ignorance is equally as bad as the lack of innocence. It is unfair to demand that we go back to the extreme of being innocent like a child, but rather, pray for the ability to discern, manage and protect the loved ones around us. And be glad that we are still able to think and talk this way despite the pressure of the world around us.

Be the number one for the people you loved. Remember that! 

We’re like coffee and morning trains.

I think it is very very uplifting to see the fervent passion and love on people when they represent their country in a game like no other; rugby. Just by watching the Argentine fan’s eyes slowly watered when the national anthem was sang, and the players battling nerves, passion, pride and love all at the go.

The 2007 Rugby World Cup has started. I miss the game.

I went for the international student exchange fair on Thursday. The fair provided information on NOCs (NUS Overseas Colleges) and SEP (Student Exchange Programmes) and the exchange students from overseas were present to answer our queries about culture and courses. It was quite an enriching and fun experience to interact with the people who have been through the experience and can tell you more than what the write-ups say. In fact, two of the French exchange students that I’ve befriended and another Californian that I’ve met have made plans to show them local cuisine.

With more than enough time to kill after Cello practice @PGP with Di Song and before CF, I had lunch with Adrian and we proceeded off to the fair before he had to leave to do a project with his friend. So I went around the rest of the fair myself. Made a Malaysian friend in A. under some fortuitous circumstances (then again, W.C concurred that most of my friendships do not have the normal origins of school and cca). She was not with any of her friends and suggested that we go to the France/Belgium/Switzerland SEP talk together. Having missed the one on Japan because I have class, I was glad to have the company of someone to go with me.

In between the waiting time, we had long conversations on backpacking and travelling.  After the talk, she was nice enough to wait for the same shuttle bus that we can both go back to our hostel. By the time she got off at Kent Ridge, A. and I have become firm friends.

The talk itself was very interesting! Am very very interested in SEP to Switzerland now, especially after what has been written in the papers. Switzerland has a good education system, get to experience the best of cultures, cheaper than the rest of Europe, and it is a good base to travel around. Japan is another option that I’m looking at. FASS has programmes with both Tokyo University, University of Tokyo, Rikkyu University and Ritsemekan just to name those that I’m interested in. I guess this is NUS strong points – always looking to establish strong partnerships to provide exchange opportunities for their students.

Talking about which, there are a lot of things to consider, which includes mapping of modules for credit transfer and stuff. And if I want to minor in either sociology or philosophy on top of going for exchange for two semesters, I have a lot of extra modules that I have to make up for. I guess there are some important decisions to make and planning to be done for the rest of my academic life at NUS after the end of the current semester.

Talking about which, I went to the airport to send Xuewei off on her own 5 months exchange programme to Zhejiang in Hangzhou. She’s been a great pal to hang around with and feed off the energy of this God-loving sister; would miss her greatly especially in cell. With Weiren still in army and Winchester going in soon, my cell numbers are indeed dwindling. Pray for God’s favour and continued guidance.

I hope that X.W, who like me harbours journalistic aspirations, will gain more in her insights and knowledge of this world.

Fisherman hut at East Coast with Zihao, Adrian and Elroy after school on Friday were good. We had a farewell dinner for Zihao at Long Beach, before he heads to London School of African Oriental Studies to study history. I think I have adjusted to my new surroundings rapidly in the last few weeks. I’ve became more of an independent learner than I was originally. I remembered the lady-in-charge of SEP said that we are only university students once, so I’m determined to live it well. I remembered Jie shared with me years back that some of the best friends can be made in university.

 I reiterate my commitment to my academic requirements for the next 3 months. Starting from my Vietnamese exam on the coming Monday. In the meantime, to the rest of my friends out there preparing for their exams, all the luck in the world. You create your own luck! : )