You are my portion.

It was really great to see both “youth talk” and “uthonline” out today. I mean I still recall the moments when we conceived the magazine from scratch till today, with God knowing that we need to progress with time, blessed us with an online version of youth talk. The feeling is really pretty amazing from the drawing board till execution. Uthonline got me pretty stressed out actually as I had to struggle with the role as the English editor, the creation of  Uthonline, being its adminstrator, educating people how to use it and genearating publicity, and of course my school work. But I guess today is sweet! I hope the participation in Uthonline will continue to go up and fulfil its role as a platform for discussions, encouragements and sharings among all the youths.

I like Grace’s sharing during our small group in fellowship today. She shared with us on her struggles with her faith in relation to getting a place in university. Sometimes, it made me wonder really how can I differentiate between my own efforts and the ones from God. Grace always understates things, and her sharing today really touched me deeply. It got me starting to think again what do I want to develop next as a person; as a son, a friend, a child of God.

I got 2000/2400 for my SAT ithat I took in May. It is quite a decent score. I got 690 for critical reading, 660 for maths, and 650 for writing. And God is good! He gave me a perfect score for my essay writing conponent! I never thought it was possible because the topic was so hard… I remembered complaining to Bella how I think I did everything else decently except for the essay part where I was expecting a borderline pass at the maximum. Thank God for the rewards!

There was an interesting talk that I went to which resulted and some interesting comments that were passed around last week. Plenty of things to ponder. But in the meantime, getting my interim term paper report done! And of course catching up on the rest of my readings.

“For Christ’s love compels us, because we are convinced that Christ died for all”
-2 Corinthians 5:14

To my dear dear friends, You are loved!

The embrace of life.

Sunday’s sermon talked about freely sharing our material possessions and spritual possessions with other people, that we should fellowship with love, acceptance and extension of grace to each other. Sometimes these mentioned qualities seems to be quite ambiguous. What is love? How do we feel love? When can we break through and improve our thresholds on loving one another, especially the unlovables? Today’s lesson for me is the a continuation on my education to “love without expectations”.

The answers can be found when we start to learn how to give freely. “One man gives feely, yet gains even more; another withholds unduly, but comes to poverty.” (Proverbs 12:24); “A generous man will prosper; he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed.” (Proverbs 12:25). I can’t speak for others, but I’ve definitely learnt from my own experiences; times when I tear apart my sense of individualism and self-righteousness and to work purely for the good of others. For example, through tithing, I’ve learnt about the wisdom on controlling the material part of the world. By giving (whether it is through tuition or treating the younger ones), I have gained an exponentially larger amount of joy than any material can provide. Simply because I’ve made a decision that is pleasing to God, and that is all that matter.

 You make the decision to grow when you seek out the answers by learning to give what you can bear in your own circumstances. I remembered the instance when I saw a gardener pruning away at the luscious red rose bushes in my favourite garden. I was indignant at him for reducing my favourite plant to a barren state. with just basic thorny stumps in the ground.

However, when Spring came, I was surprised and amazed to see it was the stumps suddenly budding and before I knew it, the rose bushes were blossoming with more abundance than before. The amazing thing was that where a branch had been cut off, two more branches had grown in the same spot, making the rosh bush even more red.

Lin Mushi recounted a story during his sermon today. He talked about how this teacher managed to save the life of an ertswhile child and gave her “the embrace of life” by being altruistic. Altruism and Individualism clashes in the most extreme of contrasts. In the case of individualism, the gratification is more often than not instantaneous. However, we see that the teacher in the story got his vindication only 10 years after the incident. For others, it may even be longer. But the point is that type of vindication is truly the most sweet, most memorable and most meaningful.

In the age of individualism, we see people trying to grasp hold of any chance of collectiveness to give themselves a sense of solidarity. Ironically, despite the advent of individualism, we find more people trying to find a fellowship of beings to give themselves the sense of liberation. For example, it is quite liberating when you see images of the pligrms worshipping in Mecca dressed in the same white cloths with the same designs and all performing their prayers in a united fashion.

Liberation only comes when you learn to fellowship truthfully and honestly through sharings. This concludes another chapter in God’s lesson for me on “learning to love without expectations”.

Love gives direction to our love wandering in love’s wilderness.

I was very moved by the wisdom of these words:

“You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when
the white wings of death scatter your days.
Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other’s cups but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous,
but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.”

- ‘The Prophet’ by Kahlil Gibran

the role of a student.

I shall reduce my reliance on this journal and go back to the traditional means of writing letters and notebooks. Blogging has become such an effective writing tool that I’ve nearly forgot that it is essentially a public domain.

Ah. Two weeks of lectures has passed by me already. That leaves me with only four more weeks before my exams commenced. I know grades are not of life and death my dear God.

But I still want to get my A.

Meetings.

It was a crazy day of bumping into people. There was Aunty Ming in the morning who told me that the man that I replaced at the bank that I used to work had died in his sleep not long ago. I was shocked as he was such a healthy young man. And then again, he worked so hard for his family and switched to another bank so as to move up the corporate ladder. Life is really short.

On my way to school, I saw Ivan, my secondary school rugby senior. We briefly chatted before parting. After my lecture, I caught up with Sixiang over lunch, and then we went to the Central Library to study. We left the place at around 4pm. As we were about to enter the lift, I heard a familiar voice called out to me, “Shen Kiat!”

And when I turned my head back and walked for a closer look, I realised it was Jitsy! Ah! I haven’t caught up with her for ages. She was supposed to come for my baptism. I think I stood there and we chatted for at least 30 minutes before I realised poor Sixiang was waiting for me. We have classes that end around the same time on Monday, so hopefully we can catch up over lunch properly soon.

Then I went for my Jap Lesson in the evening. And right in front of me was Joy… I didn’t really know how to react but I really really wanted to say ‘hi”. Am I’m glad we did. =)

After class, on the way home, I bumped into another old friend in Colin. We were like brothers during our sec 1 and 2 days. He was on his way back to camp.

I think it is not only the number of people that I met, but the memories that each of them brought back of a certain period in life. And you know what?! I really enjoy meeting up wth these guys, especially when you have walked in the truth and have nothing to fear. Amen!

The Great Blue Yonder.

So the entire house is finally repainted. And it gave me a perfect chance to empty my tables and cupboards and wiped them of the dust that has accumulated in the last 2 years. I threw away 2 garbage bags full of unsentimental things, with more to come as I haven’t touched on my unused secondary school notes and other stuff yet.

As I cleared my stuff, I came across old copies of the graphic drawings cum mindmaps that Di Song has drawn for me over the years. I started with the one that he drew about me when we were studying economics together for A’lvls, and ended with the one on serendipitous encounters. The memories are bittersweet, as time passed renders a different value to their worth in context. It is a testament to the fact that my buddy has been around me for so long, and been a part of some of the most significant milestones of my life.

It is easy to remember and give thanks to the Lord everyday when you have a friend like him.

Mommy was so busy before and on Mother’s Day itself, so she received only a nicely written card from me. We spent the evening at grandma’s place celebrating 二舅’s grandson 满月. Am hoping we can go out for a meal together this week. I told Mom that I’m a bit jealous that Miwa called her “Mommy” and she has been out for more teas and dinners with her than me! I hope we can make up with the rest of this year. She has done so many things for me that it is impossible to list down… I thank the Lord for such a wonderful mother, and pray that He will help me become the good student with the grades that can repay the faith that she has shown me all these while.

We had our 团契 in our 小组 today and the topic was about “Love”. There was only Huishan, Weiren and me today. From her sharings today, I think Huishan is slowly growing up without people noticing. Thank God for  looking after my 组长! Seeing some of the youths and the junior youths growing up really really gladdens the heart many times over.

The way I handled the information today to me was significant. Even one month is significant in the growing up process. I am surprised at the way I feel, and the calmness that I approached the subject.  I pondered on two verses “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity” (Proverbs 17:17) and “A discerning man keeps wisdom in view, but a fool’s eyes wander to the ends of the earth.”

When you have finished your unfinished business, let’s cross over to the great blue yonder together.

粉雪ね.

Sending Miwa off at Changi Airport:

And so Miwa’s 8 months exchange programme at SMU finally ended. It seems like yesterday when we picked her up at Sleepy Sam in Arab Street and she had her first おいしいばんごはん in Singapore. Oh well. Time really flies, and I’m sure this is the umpteen time I have said it this year. The need to travel, the need to source out your identity, the need to discover new elements to yourself, are necessary needs… I cannot wait for my own exchange.

Had a good talk with Mingdong 哥哥 in the afternoon and over dinner. Together with his wife, he came back to Singapore from Boston on a relative visit. Haha! I still remember the times that we spent together when I was just a small boy. He shared with me some interesting snippets of his time at NUS. Haha. I didn’t know the student travel agency has been around since his time. Alright. I had to miss the 培灵会 tonight for the family dinner. But it was really really great catching up.

I managed to catch up with my 团契人生 readings. It gave me a few things to ponder with regards to my relationship with myself and other people. Oh well. Tomorrow is another day. May it be another blessed day.

God is REALLY REALLY GOOD.

Communications and New Media intro module has been great so far. Thanks to the peeps who showed your concern! Deeply appreciated.

School today was good. I met Enwen (my ELDDS senior by 2yrs in AJ) who showed my around the Central library and taught me how to use the various library systems in NUS. He also gave me a low-down on all the bazaars and the names for the various places in school. Thank God for Enwen, because I was not supposed to see him in the first place. He went to the correct lecture theatre on the wrong day, and therefore our paths crossed. Heh. He does pack lots of humour!

Well. I told God that I want to be a good student this semester, and He obliged by making my transition as smooth as it can be. My bus ride to school is only a mere 40 minutes for now. I have no problems with the IT side of studying life too. I seem to have 3 great cosmopolitan lecturers in Ms Gene Van Heerden , Professor Millie and Dr Siyoung who are from South Africa, Puerto Rico and South Korea respectively. Most importantly, in Communications Management, I’m beginning to gain a greater insight into an area that I believe will be integral to my career aspirations, and that keeps me engaged.

There is also the small matter of a huge backlog of Japanese homework that I’m aimming to finish. Readings that have to be catch up and music pieces that have to be practised. The thought the future that God may be planning for me after gaining mastery in these abilities is exhilarating to say the least. Having a clearer picture of your future and how God fits in these purpose really helps.

Therefore it wasn’t really hard to reject watching the soccer match at Rongshun’s house today much as I wanted to go. It wasn’t hard because of what the Lord has done for me so far.

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I had emails from my Vietnam friends to reply. Somehow I gain some strength in replying their emails, because that makes me pay more attention to my life so that I can share with them. I shared with Trinh what I’ve learnt about sinners having fellowship with God during 林牧师’s sermon, and the challenges facing me ahead. I shared with 沛霓 about my school life and what I think is my purpose in life. I shared with 陈牧师 and 李阿姨 about my family and ask them to pray for me. A deepening connection forms as a result.

In return, they gave me their time and shared their memories with me. For example, Haiying and Phuong recounted their stories as a guide in Sapa to me. There was a story where she went up the Fanspian peak with her company and they met this American couple half-way and camped with them the day before reaching the peak. Upon realising that the American guy wanted to propose to his girlfriend at the top of the peak, they made a wreath out of wild flowers for them and presented to the couple when they reached the peak! I still have a picture of them. =)

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三福 training will start next Thursday, just as I finished my phonetics lessons today. Looking at the coursebook, it seems to be really tough. But I’m also committed to seeing it through. Hopefully, I can complete it before I start school in August. God has blessed me with a fantastic leader in Huiqing 老师, and prayer warriors in 伟信 and 敏敏. My prayer warriors and I have to spend at least 15 minutes sharing and praying each week. I want to go beyond the requirements. =) Bring it on!

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I really have to thank my buddy Disong for helping me instill/rediscover a more positive attitude that I used to have before I slided back into cynicism. Although I cannot match his zealousness, but well, I can be positive in my own way!

And speaking of being postive, I want to thank Su Ai who her power message in the morning. =) It was a pleasant surprise! She said we could catch up if we can find a free day in our schedules. Yesh! I definitely want to meet up with Su Ai. =)

Thank God for the meetings and catching ups that I had with a couple of good friends. Last Saturday was with Bella, Sunday with Miwa, Tuesday with Mag, Anni and Weichao, and today I had a smashing time with Ade. I think catching-ups make me feel connected to this world and makes me feel alive. If you guys are reading this, it means I enjoyed your company tremendously!

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There was meaning in pain; it taught you how to survive with a modicum of grace when you did not get what you wanted. Perhaps one of the reasons why I’m able to enjoy the life God has given me now is because I’ve partly learnt how to let-go. I’ve learnt how to be effective and not throw my energy all around.

I don’t know what happened. But if you haven’t cast me aside, I’ll still like to be your big brother. Whatever it is, I hope whoever your are drawing your strength from, will give you a love and attention that is measurable to the one that Jesus and your family have richly given you.

しるし.

One of my favourite songs from Mr Children. One thing I like about the Japanese language is that despite having fewer words than the English language, its grammar structure enables you to convey many many different nuances that the English language is unable to match up to.

I remembered watching Mr Children on the television with Jie and Kazuki in Japan and that itself was very unforgetable. Ah. しるし. It makes me want to cry.

An unexpected epiphany.

If we admit our sins, our God who is faithful and just will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness”

-1 John 1:9 

Last Sunday after service, I was talking to Aunty Evelyn who was very kind to take interest and engage me in my personal life. After our lengthy conversation, I back to my table to take my soya milk drink with pearls that Min Min bought for me. To my disgust, it was drank to nearly nil and there were many faces around who pointed fingers at Weiren but not themselves; and for those who admitted, it was said as a matter-of-fact and devoid of any sincerity.

So in a silent huff, I threw away whatever remainder of my drink into the dustbin and then proceeded to 7′Eleven just outside the church to get another beverage. As I was walking, I was trying to dissipate my anger by talking to God. I kept reminding myself that there was no right for me to get so angry, since my anger was a result of a culmination of negative events. Even though I kept my silence and did not vocally voiced my pleasure, I thought my attitude wasn’t very pleasing to Jesus. Then again, I had the right to be angry, and I was really angry. And then, I found myself at the 7′Eleven.

Inside, there were two familiar faces, 陈牧师娘 and her daughter 乐乐. Thinking that it was a really bad time to see the both of them, especially 牧师娘, I briefly said “Hi” and then went to choose my drink. When I went to the counter, they were paying for their items, and 乐乐 was pleasantly nice and quiet. Suddenly, 牧师娘 stunned me when she suddenly offered to pay for my drink. It may seemed like a simple gesture, but at that moment in time, I was really really touched.

For those who are in my Sunday School class, perhaps they will get the nuances better. All of us, especially me were always very critical of 牧师娘’s teaching methods. However, the fact is that she was one of the few people that I’ve least expected to feel “love” from, and she unexpectedly gave me some at one of my most demoralised moments. After what she had done, I just unexpectedly lightened up and unknowingly became more relaxed in my demeanour.

God is humourous in the sense that he likes to play with irony. I realised that my attiude towards her class could be more positive. It was more of “Xianjie should better his attitude so that he can exert change” than “waiting for 牧师娘’s attitude to change so that Xianjie would become more interested in her class”. 

And so, I confessed to God about how I did not view the “团契人生” book with a positive attitude and let past judgment made in last year’s class about 牧师娘 which had affected my approach in her class. I made a promise to God that I will actively encourage my cell buddy (Weiren) so that I can drag him along with me to finish this book and together, give 牧师娘 some positive energy by making our learning in Sunday School more enthusiastic, enriching and meaningful.

After looking at what I have just written, I think that perhaps, 牧师娘 and 团契人生 have already taught me more that what I’ve realised.