the cold coral and the floating hope.

Talking to Yiqing and especially Weijie today when everyone else was practising their music in the service hall or attending junior youth fellowship had been therapeutic in a way that I didn’t expect.

I managed to articulate the strengths and weaknesses of my life goals and my perspective in response to Weijie’s question on what he should do in university. Maybe it was the look on his face or the way that he said it that jotted my memory and my heart again, and made me feel less blue about the sudden sense of inertia due to current loss of purposeful direction towards my life goals. It reminded me of some of the things that I need to do in my life which I haven’t done and will easily forget.

Serving in service was horrible today. It was two halves of extreme contrast. The first half was pretty good until the second half where I totally lost focus and barely grappling the words that Rev Tan was saying. Neither a lack of good sleep yesterday nor the inability to push my troubling thoughts totally aside helped matters today. I’m thankful for the two months break now to sort myself out.

On another note, I like the way Wayne gave me a pat on the back today and voluntarily helped to adjust my tie today.  Thank God for such a lovely moment. Wayne’s action reminded me of the time Godsis tied my tie for me on my very first translation in service, moments that filled me with love up to my throat. I was briefly reminded of who and why I’m serving in this ministry.

Everyday something pops out to remind me that I should do something about that affliction and hurt, to the extent that it seems that God is trying to tell me that the vindication is not only for me anymore. For every moment that I rejected and push out of my mind, God comes out with another one to tug at my heartstrings. I want to lift my pen to paper but the thought of the need to bring out old hurts that I’ve carefully stored away  sapped away whatever willpower that I have mustered.

It is like what the good Japanese General Nishi in Iwo Jima said to the rest of the surviving soldiers;

“We haven’t lived long enough to know what we are sacrificing for.” 

.

I think I should be obedient to my parents too like how Disong is to his dad. The more I think about his story, the more I feel his father makes sense. And that my parents make sense too. I’ve decided not to take the train to Hanoi anymore for safety reasons, shorten the duration of my stay for the missionary trip so as not to overtax my academic and tuition commitments. University will be starting soon and I should really learn to take charge of my own life and see what is good for the longer term.

.

Church ended with me wanting a hug from Godsis. And Min Min duly gave me one that left me nearly breathless, and filled me up to the throat with the sort of love that comes from fellowship. 

This hug is telling me that this week will better than the last, and don’t bet against it. Not against God at least.

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in between.

“Letters from Iwo Jima” with Kenny in the morning was good. It was a good time catching up with an old friend; I realised I’ve known him as long as my other JC schoolmates. The “Mozarella” place was not bad too, since we were the only people there.

Went back to AJC in the evening with Vic, Serena, Jessie, Eugene and Kelvin for the dramafeste competition. Caught up a bit with Mr Lee and Helen Chong, one of the judges and the VP now respectively. Caught up with Helmi and the rest over supper too and there was 5 generations worth of drama people there. And we were the oldest… Time really flies. But it was great! Though without people like Kenny, Curren, KR, Ade and Janice around, things don’t really feel the same.

I thank myself for the friends that I have. They post comments that are as long as a blog entry. I”m fine! *hugz all. I just need some quite time for myself.

the rest of the trip and some.

I’m back at the original hotel where I first blog, after the trip to Lake Toba. The Lake Toba is a very beautiful place that definitely would not look out of place in Europe.

For the first night in Medan, I fell asleep amid a constant series of gunshots and police sirens. It was a bit unnerving although the hotel that t I am staying with my family was quite good and safe. The entire area in Medan seems to be unsafe for the Chinese…

The next three days were more peaceful. There wasn’t the hustle and bustle that we are all used to during CNY. We went to see a waterfall, visited a hotspring, and saw two active volcanoes. We also visited two tribal villages that used to practice cannibalism, and a fruit market that in my opinion should be closed down for the sale (and physical abuse) of dogs and rabbits as either pets or food… Will post the pictures when I am home. 

At our last hotel Grand Mutaria, Mom, Jie and I sat at the hotel cafe and had supper as we chatted away through the night. We seldom had some quiet moments together in the last 5 years already. We laughed at our past memories of our childhood while thinking about what hold next for us, especially me.

I realised that I am the only person in the family that keeps everybody in the family worrying. Whether it is the condition of my skin or my academics just to name two, I have always been the inconsistent one in the family. For all good reasons, I really have to start growing up, get a healthy body and really start showing everybody in the family what they believe I am always capable of showing.

On this trip, I realised my Jie is very protective of me, and I really enjoy the protection. She helps to balance my emotions when I fluctuate. It reminds me of the comfort that I always gotten with her when she is around the house, that if I need advice or comfort, the physical manifestation of her is always there.

All said, although the trip ain’t much, it is really the time that the four of us get to spend together that counts. It is about getting back in touch with each other for the CNY, just the family alone. And I really thank God for this time.

I’ve read a few blogs. Am glad that those friends are enjoying themselves so much with their reunion dinners and other programmes. It is going to be a busy week for me when I go back too. Hopefully I can catch up with some of the people again.

Am not really happy with the way Xianjie is now. I know I am in tranisition, but I need to progress faster and become stronger. I have to move as others are moving. I know what I want to be but yet I don’t feel like I’m heading in the right directions sometimes. I look for signposts at the moment for my future without spending more time anticipating the future and look at things in a more analytical way. Someitimes sudden feelings of lonliness do set in, but I have to learn how to turn my eyes to the Lord and look at Him for advice. It isn’t easy to always discern what God is saying, and I pray for unlimited grace inbetween the moments when I feel small or lost.

People tell me that I have an abundance of intelligence and analytical ability yet I find myself faltering so many times when I try to articulate myself over my life’s purpose, or where I’m heading to. I feel that I have failed in trying to both capture life by the moment and preparing myself for the future. Something has to give, and I do not have the courage or motivation to give up what I must now in order to prepare for the future. Sometimes I will think back about Duong in Vietnam and how hard she is working and feel ashamed about myself. And of a sudden, an overwhelming sense of my short-comings will overcome me. How can I help others when at times I feel helpless myself.

When I look into the mirror, I don’t really see the outline of the strong young man that I expect myself to be.

I’m heading home by the coming evening. And I hope God’s grace will really be suffcient for me in my many feelings of weakness right now. It is a time to face old hurts with a new attitude, and to embrace the future with the sort of consideration and zest on a life that is made purposeful when Jesus died on the cross for me. I have to admit that I’m feeling very low right now, and honestly speaking, my heart could neither rejoice nor praise the Lord deeply right now. But I believe in the prayer of deliverance. He will deliver me, and when I am whole once more, I shall sing His praises once again.

Touchdown Medan.

Perhaps not a very good time to be away from civilisation considering what I’ve seen in the second largest city in Indonesia so far after 4 hours of touch-down. And with my auto-roam being cut because I am not 21 yet and have just re-registered my handphone line under my own name, four days seems to be quite long.

The tour guide was quite funny in the sense that he took every opportunity to tell us how all Indonesian Chinese are being oppressed. It seems that the history of Medan, or Indonesia in particular is made up of tussles between the chinese and the “law”, which of course isn’t entire true.

Looking forward to Lake Toba tomorrow. Heard it is a very beautiful place. Hopefully it will be a better day. For all of us including those still doing their projects so as to finish before the reunion dinner.

Curiously, I’m already missing many relatives and friends back home. Maybe this is what Lunar New Year is all about. A rekindling with familiarity.

Bella Luna by Jason Mraz.

Mystery the moon
A hole in the sky
A supernatural nightlight
So full but often right
A pair of eyes a closing one
A chosen child in golden sun
A marble dog that chases cars
To farthest reaches of the beach and far beyond into the swimming sea of stars

The cosmic fish they love to kiss
They’re giving birth to constellations
No riffs and oh no reservation
If they should fall you get a wish or dedication
May I suggest you get the best
For nothing less than you and I
Let’s take a chance as this romance is rising over before we lose the lighting
Oh bella bella please
Bella you beautiful luna
Oh bella do what you do
Do do do do do

You are an illuminating anchor
Of leagues to infinite number
Of crashing waves and breaking thunder
Tiding the ebb and flows of hunger
You’re dancing naked there for me
You expose all memory
You make the most of boundary
You’re the ghost of royalty imposing love
You are the queen and king combining everything
Intertwining like a ring around the finger, of a girl
I’m just a singer, you’re the world
All I can bring ya
Is the language of a lover
Bella luna, my beautiful beautiful moon
How you swoon me like no other

May I suggest you get the best
Of your wish may I insist
That no contest for little you or smaller I
A larger chance yet, but all them may lie
On the rise, on the brink of our lives
Bella please
Bella you beautiful luna
Oh bella do what you do
Bella luna
My beautiful beautiful moon
How you swoon me like no other, oh oh oh

Conversations.

I had an early CNY dinner at Grandma’s house today because we are leaving for Indonesia in two days time. Jie treated me to a fabulous lunch at Outbacks on Valentine’s Day. Time well spent.

The past two nights were wonderfully spent with Disong and Weichao. We sat on the steps alongside the Singapore river and had very solid conversations which revolved around physics, economics and social science and occasionally punctuated by “Long2 Pao2″ jokes. I never knew science is so interesting as put from Weichao and Disong’s perspective. Perhaps the local education system stymied my passion and interest with respect to that. Some of the stuff that we talked about included the reconcilation of relativity with quantum physics, the amazing effects of neuroscience, economic incentives in pursuing environmental changes, philosophy and how history and culture will shape the effects that technology and science will exert with respect to environmental protection. Inevitably, our conclusions led to our belief in God which we shared with Weichao. It was one of my most insightful and interesting conversations to boot for quite a while.

I suggested book exchanges so that we can gain more perspectives from each other. Will pass my recommendation from my library to Weichao next week.

As for today, we watched the “The Protege”. It was an excellent movie about the heroin trade and the harmful effects of drugs. As I watched “Nick” (Daniel Wu) grappled with his identity and the deaths of “Quin” (Andy Lau) who is the master of the drug trade in HK and “Fan” (Zhang Jingchu), who is a drug addict that lives opposite his flat. The latter’s acting was so surreal that she reminded me of the main actress from another show that I watched in “Sympathy for Lady Vengeance”. One of the memorable lines from the show:

Fan: If you can help that dog, why not give me a second chance?

Nick: Because that dog has no choice while you have one.

Maybe it is because of Jinchu’s fine acting… but I believe even if the person that you are trying to rehab broke her promise, the last thing that you should do is to give up on her. Or else she would really have no hope left.

When I was sitting in the cinema, I suddenly had an epiphany in the middle of this scene that helped me sorted up the ideas that I have about “finding the other half”. The epiphany is motivating myself to be a better man who keeps his eyes on God.

The following epiphany is perhaps loosely connected with the release of my SAT results today. I fulfilled my primary purpose of getting a very good critical reading score for my application to Law School though my overall score was disappointing because of my writing session (which I could do better) and the maths section (where I totally bombed out according to my own standards). So God is telling me that I still can work harder and to utilise my full potential by giving me a gentle rebuke. I’m really glad that I took the test, because now I have something to measure my improvement with.

I will sit for a second test in May, though in the meantime, my scores will be good enough to apply for Law School. So praise God. It is really time to start firming up my options on my what I want to do for my university life and beyond.

A poignant return.

My buddy and I made an unplanned trip back to Chinese High today after our instruments’ accessories shopping. It started with a decision on what to eat for dinner, before he suggested “Golden Rooster” aka “Ke Ai Ji” at Coronation Plaza. I wanted to eat at Cosy Corner but it was closed. So we went to “Ke Ai Ji” instead and ordered the usual that we first ate 8 years ago, “Lemon Chicken Rice”. We parked at the Chinese High carpark before we walked over to Coronation Plaza.

It was the first time since we graduated from Chinese High that we went back together to explore the school, not counting the alumni rugby games that we played. There were signs of evident changes among the many constants that remained. The big tree near the terrace where I used to sit under for creative writing inspiration is still there. However, the field that I can see from the tree had subtle changes in the rearrangment of certain track and field facilities, all but indicating that there is no more rugby in the school, though I know the scrum-machine and the two long posts lie dormant in patient wait for their revival and a thrust back to the glory days of yore.

There was too much to say in this historically and culturally rich school that brought me so much as a student. It was even more poignant as my buddy and I shared with each other our perspectives; both unique and common ones as we walked barefoot on the field and lie down in the middle of it watching the vast, cloudless and swiftly deepening blue sky, or when we were cruising through the classroom corridors, canteen, basketball courts and various chapteh play areas.

The school was unusually empty for a Tuesday evening. It was a privilege to walk through the school with my buddy. Certain memories can revive themselves only when you are at the location itself. The flood of memories was certainly nearing the limits of what I could handle. The most poignant moment was actually the silence itself as we sat on the terrace below the Tan Kah Kee statue, staring straight at the field with the all familiar evening strong breeze, lost in our private moments.

I was soaking the energy that the school was radiating, as I mentally prepared myself for a future that God has intended for me, a process that the school had contributed greatly. I will stop here. For no words of mine or the english language will ever come close to describe the experience that I had with my buddy today, or the swell of feelings of nostalgia, hope, love, respect and passion that are swarming every part of my body at this very moment.

Avry Bow.

Nice messages from Isabella, Xueying and Weiren for today brought a much needed grin on my face to start my day. And Bella will survive. *hugz back.

Disong and I were at Grammercy and Synwin looking at violin bows and method books. I finally bought my cello stand while Disong bought his method book. Disong tried out quite a few bows; the Germans made ones produced the most technically perfect sounds. Among all the bows tested, the French Avry bow was the outstanding one which produced a very smooth sound that tinges with so much feelings. However the bow cost 780 bucks… Money can indeed buy that extra bit of skill… Even though his budget is 500 bucks, I think he should not go for the German bows, because the French Avry bow is indeed so much superior. I think it is quite amazing how the French makers can build “feelings” into their bows.

All said, the beautiful and soulful sound that the French Avry Bow still lingers in my mind, refusing to go away. If my buddy don’t end up buying the bow, I’ll be very disappointed. That bow is really heaven-made for him and his skills.

Wider than a mile, but I’m crossing you in style.

Nothing beats a good Jap lesson with my buddy yesterday night. Humour is really the best medicine yeah. I hope your body is feeling better now. On another note, I really like the lesson today. Partly it is because I have been doing my revision and am able to catch up, but mostly of the fact that the ever expanding vocabulary and range of sentence structures have enable me to express more nuances in my sentences. Am really thankful to God for the chance to take Jap and experience another facet of life, which thinking about it really makes me want to treasure this experience even more, especially when my buddy is learning with me.

I was in the lift just now after the Jap lesson at around 11pm when I stumbled into this uncle who lives on the 17th floor as part of this huge extended family. I used to call him Gor Gor till he got married and had a kid last year. I was sharing with him my travelling plans which included my up-and-coming missionary trip to Vietnam. I was pleasantly surprised when he was interested in my missonary trip and shared the fact that he turned a Christian last year with me.

Gor Gor used to be a devout buddhist who really read up books on the religion. Apparently, his turning point came last year when his baby was borned. The seeds that God sowed in him was evident as he started to question how can a baby come out of nothing. That inspired him to find out more about Christianity and he asked his wife for permission too and his wife said do what he must. (how sweet is that!) He put it in such a succint way. To summarise our conversations that continued a good 15 minutes after I reached my floor, he shared that in Buddhism, you are talking about a person who had observed the world and came out with his teachings. What he knew was only through what he observed, and that meant that he missed out on perspectives through observations that he never had the chance to make. However, God is the omni-present and omiscient being, He created the world and know what to expect. Most importantly, this higher being has Love as a very strong element in his works, making him human at the same time. And that was the moment when he realised he had found his true God.

Though currently without a church, he spent his time having lessons that are conducted at the Calvary Baptist Church near my house. Then we talked about the Book of Romans and on Paul. It gladens my heart greatly to see another person that I’ve known come to Christ, and it further proves that spiritual maturity is not measured by the amount of years we have been in Christ. God uses all of us for his own good and pleasure. =)

Amen to that!

My sister just came back from Japan, just in time for our family trip to Medan during CNY. Knowing that she is coming back raises my heartbeat by that much, and now seeing her in the flesh makes me want to dance for joy! We are lunching together on Valentine’s Day. Haha. =) Can’t wait.

In the meantime, I’m getting on my Purpose Driving Life book and “Today Matters” which is turning up to be a better read than I’ve originally expected. I’ve gotten myself a spiritual mentor too in hope that I’ll be guided in my steps as I grow to become a young adult that reflects the glory of Christ and be a man that he takes pleasure in. Amen to that. =)